Two Week Jitters

With just two and a half weeks left to departure and packing well underway, I can’t help but feel the jitters that are synonymous with new adventures. These jitters, similar to butterflies in your stomach (but a bit more gut-wrenching), come with any new experience for which I am equal parts thrilled and terrified. With just two and a half weeks left to departure, what was originally a dream is now a dream coming true, the concept is reality, and there’s no stopping this train.

Much of this comes from the unknown, and from the questions that people ask that I just don’t have answers for yet: “What part of the country will you be living in?” “How close will you be to a hospital?” “What if (insert horrible disaster) happens?” My answer (as politely as possible): “I DON’T KNOW YET!”

Daily, the “what ifs” swirl around my head: What if I’m not prepared? What if I can’t do it? What if I fail? What if I get hurt? What if I forget to pack the solar panel? What if I make a cultural faux pas? What if? What if? What if?

I’m lucky to have many people in my life who tell me, “Reilly, what if NOTHING? You are spiraling and being dramatic and you will be just fine.”

Surely, I can’t be the only PCV who’s ever been completely terrified to go. Looking at it objectively, it seems a little bonkers to sweep your life into a suitcase and backpack, pick up and move 10,000 miles away, and settle into a plumbing- and electricity-free mud hut for the next two years. But PCVs share a common thread: we have a desire to leave the world better than we found it, to change not the world but people in the world, to expand our worldview, and to use our servant hearts to learn from others. When I spiral into the what-ifs, it’s easy to get mad at myself for leaving everything I know and everyone I love, but then I think about my life’s greater mission: to serve and empower others. Those five words quiet the what-ifs, slow the spiral, and help me reign this crazy decision back into perspective.

People move, travel, see the world, live in rugged conditions, learn new languages, and challenge themselves all the time. I have to remind myself that I wouldn’t have put myself out there and applied if I wasn’t ready to put myself out there and respond to the call.

I’m trying every day to re-frame the what-ifs…”What if I’m not prepared…What if I learn how to improvise and think on my feet?” “What if I fail…What if I gain the opportunity to learn from my mistakes and try again?” “What if I get hurt…What if I practice my first aid skills and a bit of resiliency?” “What if I expand my world?” “What if I help a community make a sustainable difference?” “What if I make new bonds that will last a lifetime?” “What if my dream comes true?”

In other words, Peace Corps prep isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. If this post feels a little negative to you, please remember that I am striving to be transparent and honest about my experiences!

PCVs and soon-to-depart PCVs, I can’t be the only one who’s felt like this, right? Family and friends, comment below with a what-if you want to ask me, and then try to re-frame it in a positive way!